Sunday, February 24, 2013

the one where I whine until it comes full circle...

Ok, I admit it - I am grumpy.  I am looking outside at yet another grey, colorless day with white flakes coming down, and it is ticking me off.  I really hate winter.

And I know - I should be thankful because I missed the month of January while support raising in the south.  I should be thankful that I am looking at just another month of real winter, then spring will be here.  I should be thankful that I am in a warm, dry house - even if that house isn't mine.  Maybe especially because that house isn't mine.  Even in our travels we have been housed, cared for, and loved.

But honestly, I just feel grumpy.  And impatient. And ornery.  And though my original hope was to get on here and write about it as it fell away from me, I realize that is not happening this time, and I have a choice to make.

sigh...

I don't want to make a choice.

(Please read above line in the best whiney voice you can conjure up.)

What do I want?
I want to be somewhere warm and sunny.  I want to see blue skies.  I want to feel like I have a home and feel settled again.  At least a place that is where I reside for the majority of my time.  I want to be packing to go to South Sudan soon - or at least to training in Colorado.  I want to be typing a blog that tells you that after this week of praying together we had gobs of support come in and we are headed out in a few weeks....
wait.  uh oh.

And then, as I sit writing, it comes to me.  Once again I am hit smack in the gut with my flesh.

I realized even as I was typing up the invite to have you all pray last week that my ultimate goal was to help God see how spiritual I was and that I was "getting it" - whatever it was that he is wanting us to learn - and that we could "move on" now.  I understood that my attempts to manipulate God and pull the wool over his eyes were lame and pitiful at the very least - and blatant sin if named correctly.  Yet that didn't stop me.

Because, you see, I also knew that even if my motives weren't completely pure, most of you praying were sincerely praying for us with hearts that believe and love and desire.  We can't do that for ourselves very often without all the other garbage in there.  The self focus and plans that we make for ourselves often blur our view and motives.  But usually when we are praying for others, we are doing it because we have real empathy, desire, and longing for them and about them that is really about what we are praying for.  In a very real sense, I needed you to "stand in the gap" for us.  Yes, for support raising, but also simply for us.  For our hearts, minds, emotions, souls, desires, feelings, wants, and weaknesses.

So I guess, even though though the sky is still grey, the sun seems as though it is never coming out again, and the reports coming in last week were the same numbers as the week before, I am thankful.  Thankful that I am not doing this alone.  That I have friends who read this stupid, whiney, all-about-Heather blog and still love me.  Still pray.  And believe for me when I can't.  And do it in ways that are begging for God's perfect plan to be carried out to completion - even when it feels like I am fighting it every step of the way sometimes!  I am thankful for you.

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