Thursday, January 3, 2013

emotional chaos

So, I kind of had a breakdown today.

We are getting ready to road trip for a little over two months to do some support raising for our missions work in South Sudan.  We have a lot of parties planned with people and places that we need to be at certain times.  We had someone give us a van, and we really appreciate that.  However, that van came from Ohio, and there is no inspection in Ohio.  There is, however, inspection in NY.  And apparently, after 13 counts against us, said van is going to be about $1800 just to get us to code.  And we can't leave tomorrow as planned because it will be in the shop all day.  Sigh...not exactly as we planned.

However, as inconvenient as it feels, it is not melt down worthy.

So I was sitting and crying and feeling inexplicable angry at God.  Then Shawn mentioned something to me that became clear.  None of these feelings are about the van or the inconvenience, or even the money that we have to spend.  It's about good-byes.  And denial.  And endings.  And enormous amounts of loss that we are facing in our lives.

I realize in my head that we are coming back to the area in March, and since we don't know what will happen with our support raising on this trip (we are praying for miracles) we have no idea how long we will be here before we take off again for training.  So even though last night was our last night at Compelled, and Shawn is officially done as pastor, I have been able to deny that things are changing.  That they have changed.  That even when we come back, things are going to be different.

I know that doesn't mean my relationships have to suffer.  I have deep friendships with others that I do not see each day.  But this phase of life - with kids growing up and into teens, losing my mom to cancer, and learning so many things about myself and who I am - this stage of life has been navigated with some amazing people whom I have grown to depend upon a great deal for prayer, encouragement, acceptance, and love.  And I love them deeply.

So even though I am excited about the things that the are in our future - immediate and the future in South Sudan - I am also really, really sad about this change.  Even though I know this is a choice, and we made the decision to go - it was also a choice to obey God and do what He is asking.  So while there is excitement, anticipation, and joy in the choice, there is also grief, anger, and emptiness in it.  And each of those take turns coming out.  Sometimes they try to come out all together, and they fight until one wins.  Like the anger today.

This life is so crazy.  And I still choose to believe that there is hope and joy and thankfulness abounding in all this.  But today was just hard - and there will be other, even harder days ahead as we return to say real goodbyes.  Thanks for your prayers.  

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