Tonight at our prayer and praise night for compelled, the worship leader lead us in a song called You Won't Relent The words are as follows:
"You won't relent until you have it all - my heart is yours.
I'll set you as a seal upon my heart,
as a seal upon my arms.
For there is love that is as strong as death;
Jealousy demanding as the grave;
and many waters cannot quench this love.
Come be the fire inside of me,
come be the flame upon my heart
come be the fire inside of me
until you and I are one
I don't want to talk about you like you're not in this room;
I wanna look right at you, wanna sing right to you
You won't relent until you have it all -my heart is yours."
I have sung this song before. And as a worship team leader I am constantly scouring youtube, worship boards and other places to find new songs to introduce. I see many! And being a person who is highly affected by music and the lyrics, I like many of them. But tonight as we sang this one, the words penetrated deeply. There is so much meaning to this song, but the words that lept out to me were the ones about what I wanted, not what God desired and did. Not the response a worship song usually has on me, to be sure.
These last few years I have often felt as though God was quiet to me. Too quiet. My relationship with him had always been one of almost audible communication both ways. I heard him and felt him as though he were right there- as he is. But it seems that he wanted me to experience him as a still, small voice - and sometimes even a complete silence. I knew in my head that this was a good thing. I want to experience God in new depths and ways that I have not before. I desire deep, intimate relationship with my Savior. Yet, after three years of "the silent treatment" I was at a point where I was begging him to let me know him in that way again. As the song lyrics said, "I don't wanna talk about you like you're not in this room. I wanna look right at you, wanna sing right to you." I had known this relationship with my Jesus for most of my life, and I missed it, longed for it, prayed for it again.
Today, on the way up to my phlebotomy class (which is an hour and15 minute drive) I turned the music off and just started praying. And as I did, something started breaking in me. I could feel these weights lifted. I was weeping-not with sadness, but rather with that overflowing emotion of understanding and feeling and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt his love for me. and it was so intense!
Nothing changed. God is the same today as he was yesterday, the same as these last three years, and who he will be tomorrow, regardless of how he chooses to meet me. I did not do anything different than I have been doing for years. I prayed and waited. I relinquished things and people to him - not the first time, and certainly not the last. I confessed and sang and prayed and wept and laughed. I rebuked spirits not from him and felt the lightness that accompanies a soul newly clean. And I remembered that in all this time of silence, he did not leave me, he did not relent in his love and passion and joy for me.