"You're calling me to lay aside the worries of my day
To quiet down my busy mind and find a hiding place
I open up my heart and let my spirit worship Yours
I open up my mouth and let a song of praise come forth
Worthy, You are worthy
Of a child-like faith
And of my honest praise
And of my unashamed love
Of a holy life
And of my sacrifice
And of my unashamed love"
(Ten Shekel Shirt, "Unashamed Love")
These last few weeks have been rather difficult weeks spiritually for me. There has been a lot of opposition spiritually and I have not fought well! I have given in and listened to the lies that Satan has whispered in my ears. Lies that said, "You are not good enough and you will never be good enough. How can God use you? Why would God want to use you?" And I fell for it -hook, line, and sinker. Often I would find myself despairing over things that are out of my control, and obsessing over ways to fix it and make it more "control-able."
Yet through it all, God was calling me back to him. He loves me so much. He calls to me to lay aside these burdens and worries and come to his arms and rest and praise. It is such a pure and simple thing, and yet so consuming and healing. So why do I fight it every time?
Today we had the wonderful chance to get together briefly with Michael, the team leader from the Sudan team. Two weeks ago we found out that we still don't have any answers to if we will be going to Sudan - and probably will not until the fall. I was frustrated, angry, pouty, and full of self-pity. Then I put it out of my mind - stuffed it to the back to be ignored. I decided that I had to focus on the here and now and not the unsure future. And I did it too - all in my own power.
That was all great until today, when Michael came! Then my desire to be in Africa - especially with this team that we admire so greatly - rose to the surface again. I had to take time this afternoon to really lay my heart bare before God. I realize I cannot stuff something down that he has has given me (a love for his people in Africa and a desire to serve there), yet at the same time I DO have to live in the here and now and love his people here and serve here. (And I admit that it has been a surprise to me how easily I am falling in love with these people! What a wonderful group God has put us with here.) His timing is always best, and his ways may make no sense to me, but I trust them.
I am learning, God! Thank you for being patient with me!